I want to have your abortion
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
