peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
