why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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