god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
