forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
