Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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