Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
