Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
