this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
