he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My penis needs a shock collar
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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