This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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