so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
