Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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