Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My vagina is officially offended.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
