mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
