she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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