She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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