remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just invented taco cereal.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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