nut hugger
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
