If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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