the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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