I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
