i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
