Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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