If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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