I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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