Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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