the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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