Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
