Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
