ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
