I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
