He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
