remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
