if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
