Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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