its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He passed out mid-signature
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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