You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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