i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
