i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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