Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
