That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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