i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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