went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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