Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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