Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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