I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
