dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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