I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
