There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
