Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
