I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
