why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
